I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. These sorts of off-the-wall jokes made Mitch Hedberg one of the most hilarious comedians of our time. Here’s a list of the best Mitch Hedberg quotes.
"I’m against picketing…but I don’t know how to show it."
"I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long."
"When someone tries to hand me a flyer, it’s kind of like they’re saying, "Here, you throw this away.""
"Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something."
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
"When I think of something that’s funny, I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny."
"Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it’s a bullsh*t replica, cause dude didn’t even get his degree! Why’d you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?"
"You don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I’m thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean no?"
"Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: ‘Prices and participation may vary.’ I want to open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say, “Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti! And blankets! But we are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children.”“
"People associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use… like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake." Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don’t bring the cake-eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?""
"You know when you go to a concert and people get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that’s dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool."
"I had a job interview, and the woman asked "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.""
"I have a king size bed. I don’t know any kings, but I guess if one came over, he’d be comfortable. "Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications! I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!""
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins in all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down."
"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it gets busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they’ll say the name again. "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You f*kers are selfish! The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouths! And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes!"